HOW TO SUPPORT A LOVED ONE SUFFERING FROM CANCER

**Be Realistic About Your Limits**

Take a clear look at what you can genuinely manage—both in terms of time and emotional energy. If your job keeps you busy, you may need to reassess how often you can realistically visit your loved one. According to Dr. Monique James, psychiatrist at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center, the key is being fully present and patient. Trying to do too much—especially when you're distracted or overwhelmed—can actually be less helpful. It’s often more meaningful to visit less frequently but offer your full attention when you do. If you notice yourself taking on more than you can handle, Dr. James adds, it could be a sign of deeper issues—perhaps unresolved guilt or a personal matter that needs to be addressed.

**Let the Patient’s Needs be paramount**

Dr. James stresses the importance of reflecting on your true motivations. Ask yourself: *Am I doing this for their benefit, or is it more about easing my own fears or wanting to be seen as the perfect caregiver? * She explains that if your actions are driven by your own anxiety, it’s not necessarily wrong—but it’s worth pausing to recognize what’s really going on. Rather than automatically doing what you think a caregiver *should* do, take time to ask the patient what they actually want or need. For instance, you might be visiting daily out of good intentions, but they may prefer more solitude to reflect or manage their emotions. Everyone processes illness differently, and honoring their way of coping is part of truly supporting them.

**Offer Concrete Help**

When someone is diagnosed with cancer, they’re often met with well-meaning but vague offers like “Let me know if you need anything.” While these words come from a good place, they may not feel helpful or supportive in the moment. Instead, shift the focus to the patient’s experience. Imagine being in their position—fatigued, overwhelmed, and navigating side effects. Wouldn’t it feel better to hear something like, *“I can bring you chicken soup next Monday at 4” *? Dr. Monique James explains that offering specific help makes things easier for the patient. Even if they want something different or need to adjust the plan, it relieves them from the pressure of initiating or asking for support—which can often feel like a burden. If you're unsure how to offer specific help, think about your strengths. Are you artistic? Bring some craft supplies and create something together. If cooking is your thing, maybe invite them to chop veggies while you prepare a meal. These simple, hands-on moments not only provide support, but also help them feel included and cared for.

**Support Them on Their Terms**

Even if you think you know what’s best for your loved one—especially if you’ve had similar experiences—they’re the only one who truly understands how they’re feeling and what they can handle each day. Just because you stayed active during your own treatment doesn’t mean your loved one has the same capacity. They might barely have the energy to get out of bed some days—and that’s okay. Instead of pushing your ideas of what they *should* be doing, focus on accepting and meeting them where they are emotionally and physically. This kind of support can ease feelings of loneliness, which is closely tied to better health outcomes. Try asking open, gentle questions like “What kind of day is it for you today?” rather than diving into medical talk or expecting a cheerful mood. And while you might want to spend hours with them, they may only have the energy for a short visit. Letting go of your own expectations allows you to be a better support—by showing up for *them*, not for yourself.

**Respect Their Preferences by Asking First**

One of the best ways to ease uncomfortable moments is to simply be honest and direct. Dr. James notes that it’s okay to admit if you’re feeling unsure or helpless—but it’s important to seek your own support separately, so you’re not placing that emotional weight on your loved one. More importantly, ask for their input on how they’d like to stay connected. For example, you might say, *“Would you prefer a text or a quick call? Or do you want space from your phone altogether?” * Giving them the choice helps them feel more in control—and just making the effort to connect can have a meaningful impact. Research shows strong social support can reduce feelings of uncertainty and even improve health outcomes during cancer treatment. Also, never assume it’s okay to drop by unannounced. Always ask before visiting and suggest specific times that work for you, so they don’t feel burdened trying to coordinate. Thoughtful communication goes a long way in making your presence feel supportive, not stressful.

WHAT TO SAY AND WHAT NOT TO SAY TO SOMEONE WITH CANCER

“A cancer diagnosis is deeply personal and often emotionally overwhelming,” explains Seyma Saritoprak, PhD, a clinical health psychologist with expertise in psychosocial oncology at City of Hope Orange County, California. During such a vulnerable time, well-meaning but intrusive questions or overly positive or dismissive comments can unintentionally downplay what the patient is feeling. According to Dr. Saritoprak, this can increase emotional distress, make patients feel isolated, and discourage them from seeking the support they need. What truly matters is recognizing that people facing cancer don’t expect us to solve their problems or have all the right words. More than anything, they need to feel genuinely heard and supported during a time when life may feel completely out of control.

COMMON PHRASES TO AVOID

Offering meaningful support begins with being mindful of what not to say. Even well-meaning comments can unintentionally cause hurt or discomfort. Here are some examples to steer clear of:

“You’re So Strong, You’ve Got This.”

Though it may seem encouraging, this phrase can feel like added pressure during an already exhausting time. Staci Kirk, a six-time cancer survivor, explains that it can make someone feel like they’re not allowed to show fear or vulnerability. She recalls a more comforting moment when someone told her, “You don’t have to be strong right now. I’ll be strong for you.” That gave her permission to rest, cry, and just be.

“At Least It’s Treatable”.

Such phrases may be intended to bring hope, but they can dismiss the individual’s personal fears or struggles. A better response would be: “I’m here for you, no matter what.”

“I Know Someone Who Had the Same Thing.”

Comparing one person’s cancer experience to another often misses the mark. Staci Kirk shares how hearing about someone else’s illness or loss didn’t comfort her—it made her feel unseen. Dr. Saritoprak recommends avoiding comparisons and instead saying something like, “Everyone’s experience is different—how are you coping with everything?”

“You Must Be So Scared”.

Rather than assuming their emotions, give them space to share in their own words. Clinical psychologist Dr. Kim Baron suggests saying, “I can’t imagine what this must feel like,” to validate their experience without placing emotions onto them.

“What Stage Is It?”

This question can feel invasive, especially if the person isn’t ready to share details. Dr. Gabriel Cartagena recommends more open-ended questions like, “Do you want to talk about it?” or “How can I best support you right now?”—allowing the person to control the depth of the conversation.

“You Should Try This New Diet/Remedy/Supplement.”

Avoid unsolicited advice. Every cancer case is different, and what works for one person may not be right for another. Dr. Baron recommends a gentler approach, such as, “I’m here for you in whatever way you need.”

“I Can’t Stop Worrying About You.”**

While expressing concern may feel caring, this statement can overwhelm the person and burden them with your emotional needs. Instead, focus on them with something like, “I’ve been thinking about you. How are you doing today?” Dr. Baron also suggests sharing your feelings with someone else you trust, like a therapist.

“You Look Great—I Can't Even Tell!”

Though often intended as a compliment, this statement can overlook the unseen challenges of cancer—like fatigue or emotional pain. It may also unintentionally suggest their illness isn't real if they don’t “look” sick. A better option would be, “It’s good to see you. How are you doing today?” Or even, “If you need to talk, I’m here to listen.”

If you’re unsure of what to say, it’s okay to admit it. As Dr. Baron suggests, try: “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you.”

 

WHAT TO CONSIDER BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING

Dr. Saritoprak encourages taking a moment to reflect before speaking. Ask yourself:

* Am I ready to listen more than I talk?

* Am I making space for their full emotional experience?

* Am I offering support without trying to fix things?

* Is what I’m saying kind, respectful, and grounded in empathy?

* Am I acting based on their needs or my own assumptions?

* Am I avoiding discomfort by rushing to reassure?

* Is this about helping them—or easing my own worry?

* Have I told them I care?

* Do I need to tend to my own emotions first?

 Practical Tips for Supporting a Cancer Patient

One of the most powerful ways to support someone with cancer is through active listening. Dr. Saritoprak notes that when patients feel truly heard, they are more likely to express concerns, stay engaged in treatment, and feel less isolated.

It’s also helpful to offer concrete, practical help. Instead of saying, “Let me know if you need anything,” try asking, “What has been most helpful so far?” Then offer to step in where support is still needed.

 Ways to Offer Support to Someone Battling Cancer

* Offer to drive them to appointments.

* Sit with them during treatment—bring a book in case they nap.

* If far away, check in via phone or video call.

* Send meals or coordinate a meal train.

* Help with chores like cleaning or laundry.

* Drive their children to school or activities if needed.

Key Takeaways

To support someone with cancer, meet them where they are emotionally and practically. Use empathy, listen without judgment, avoid assumptions or unsolicited advice, and give them room for all the emotions they’re feeling. By being thoughtful, present, and specific in your support, you can make them feel truly seen and cared for during a difficult time.

Peter Mugi Kuruga

Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist

Court Annexed Mediator

 

References

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Pasek M, Suchocka L, Gąsior K. Model of social support for patients treated for cancer. Cancers. 2021;13(19):4786. doi:10.3390/cancers13194786.

Pinar G, Okdem S, Buyukgonenc L, Ayhan A. (2012). The relationship between social support and the level of anxiety, depression, and quality of life of Turkish women with gynecologic cancer. Cancer Nursing. 2012;35(3):229-235. doi:10.1097/ncc.0b013e31822c47bd.

Theofilou P, Panagiotaki H.(2012). A literature review to investigate the link between psychosocial characteristics and treatment adherence in cancer patients. Oncology Reviews. 2012;6(1):e5. doi:10.4081/oncol.2012.e5.