HOW TO MAINTAIN A STRONG AND LOVING RELATIONSHIP WITH YOUR ADULT CHILDREN.
How to navigate our relationship with our adult children may at times be tricky as our kids remain our kids despite how old they get. We however must give them a lot more autonomy and independence than during the time they were kids. While we want to have solid and loving relationships with our grown-up children, this calls for a different form of effort as things changed when they grew up.
First, there is a change in power dynamics because while before you had the final word in your child’s life decisions and choices, you have now lost that authority. Most parents find this change inconvenient and uncomfortable.
While the child was young, it was the parents’ responsibility to ensure they were safe and even seek growth opportunities for them. The parents were therefore to set limits and rules and also establish boundaries. Now, the adult-child to parent’s relationship requires that they let go of control and respect their children’s autonomy, allowing them to make their own decisions, even when they don’t agree with them.
Jordanne Sculler, a Relationship Therapist in New York notes that one of the biggest challenges that faces the adult child-parent relationship is when parents are not ready to step back, continue to offer advice that was not asked for or fail to respect their children’s independence. However, its important for parents to recognize that their children do occasionally require their parents and may need to emotionally revert to their inner child. This is at times necessary and very okay, and at such times its important that the parent becomes the parent giving the love and support that their child requires.
Ways to maintain a thriving and loving relationship
- Practice active listening
Active listening is of paramount importance in parenting adult children. While communicating with them, parents need to listen carefully before making any suggestions and try to acknowledge their emotions. They may say something like “That sounds challenging” or “How do you feel about it” before they make any suggestions. Such an approach validates their experiences while also strengthening their capacity for processing emotions in a healthy manner.
- Establishing new boundaries
The parent-adult child relationship requires a complete rethinking when it comes to the rules and boundaries to have with your adult child. It calls for a collaborative approach where you sit down together to establish the needs and boundaries you all require in this new chapter of the relationship. Such boundaries might determine for instance, the number of times you can call each other in a week or any subjects that should never be brought up in your conversations. Parents must do their best in listening and respecting their children’s boundaries.
- Encourage mutual upkeep of the relationship
Geena Lovallo, a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) in New York, advises that both the adult children and their parents must seek to foster mutual respect for each other and maintain their relationship by regularly communicating each other through calls, emails, WhatsApp etc. The responsibility of reaching out to each other should not rest on parents only but must be shared as the children are now adults themselves and must help in maintaining this relationship.
- Stay emotionally available but respect their autonomy
At times, so as to show respects for their child’s autonomy, parents take the extreme move of being totally uninvolved in their adult children’s lives so as to let them make choices and even work through conflicts. However, this may not necessarily be appropriate as the children at times require their parents input in their decisions more than they are ready to admit. Parents therefore need to make themselves available for their children without directly offering advice but may ask something like, “Would you like my input or do you need us to talk through it?” Such questions help them grow their independence while letting the relationship remain open and respectful.
- Creating new traditions
Once your children have grown up, the way you used to spend time together will have to change. They will for instance not live with you anymore and spending time together will require planning for and even activities you used to do together will change as they are now mature, starting with family dinners to vacations. Jordanne Sculler (LMHC), a leading relationship therapist from New York recommends that families generate new traditions that can cement their relationship and make it meaningful and thriving. As your child grows up, your time together should evolve as well. You might schedule a weekly check up call, have a shared hobby or an annual tour that helps you maintain a strong connection.
- Respecting our children’s choices
This is a hard one for parents to observe particularly when our young adults seem to be making unwise decisions. Our children are now making decisions concerning work, relationships and many other life decisions on their own and this requires a tough adjustment for parents as they are used to being in charge as such decisions were made. As parents however we need to learn not to intervene once our children are adults and the most important thing, we can do is to respect their independence. Again, this is a stage where asking before making any suggestions, will be appreciated. Therefore, if we see our child making a choice that doesn’t look wise, we may ask whether they would like to hear our thoughts on the subject before jumping in with some criticism. You will most often be surprised to find them saying yes as our adult children still value our advice.
- Don’t feel ignored if they don’t check in with you often
Once your children are adults, they may not be contacting you very often. At times they may not contact you for several weeks or even longer. We are advised not to take this personally as our adult kids now have busy lives and may not always check on us. However, sending a simple “Thinking of you” or “I hope you are doing well” may go along way in keeping our communication lines open. Experts however advise that as far as possible, let us let communication happen naturally rather than forcing it.
April Crowe, (LCSW) a Licensed Clinical Social Worker and therapist in New York suggests that we should look for ways to connect with our child that feels good for both of us. This might mean catching up over a cup of coffee, going on a trip together or even sending each other funny memes now and then.
- Accepting our children as they are
We all have preconceived ideas as to who our children are or who we expected them to be and unfortunately, they don’t always end up to be what we foresaw. They may be pursuing a completely different career than we hoped for or living too far than you wanted. They may even have different values and beliefs than you. To love them as adults requires that we truly accept them for who they are. While adult children might still need some guidance and a sense of security, this must be done while honouring their independence and personal growth. We need to meet our children as they are and not as to who we wish they were.
At Giving Hope Counselling Services, we understand the challenges that come with navigating the relationship with your adult children. Our highly trained therapists are here to guide you through these changes, offering compassionate support as you adjust to new dynamics and boundaries. We can help you learn how to respect your child’s autonomy while remaining emotionally available, communicate effectively through active listening, and foster a loving and respectful relationship. Whether it’s navigating tough decisions, creating new traditions, or simply understanding your evolving role as a parent, we are here to help you strengthen your connection with your adult children in a healthy, positive way. Reach out to us today and start your journey toward a thriving, fulfilling relationship.
Call/WhatsApp us at +254721240462 or +254733932470 to make a booking.
Peter Mugi Kuruga
Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist
