Stress will not always cause a fight-or-flight response, according to Kelly McGonigal, but may activate brain systems that help to connect with others.
In the late 1990s, two University of California, Los Angeles (UCLA) psychology researchers observed that female scientists in their lab reacted to stress differently from their male counterparts. While the men retreated into their offices, the women brought cookies to meetings and bonded over their coffee. They joked that the women were engaging in "tend-and-befriend" instead of fight-or-flight.
This idea stuck with Laura Cousino Klein, a postdoctoral researcher at the time. Psychology research typically linked stress to aggression, but her own experiences—and what she noticed in other women—didn't align with this. Women were more likely to talk about their stress, spend time with loved ones, or channel their energy into caring for others. Klein wondered if stress research had missed an important aspect.
Upon delving deeper, Klein found that 90% of published stress research focused on males, a trend that applied to both animal and human studies. When she shared this observation with Shelley Taylor, the director of her lab, it led to a shift in focus toward the social aspects of stress, particularly in women. Together, they uncovered evidence suggesting that stress could increase compassion, cooperation, and care.
Though the tend-and-befriend theory began as an exploration of how women respond to stress, it soon broadened to include men, as they, too, acknowledged this response. Research teams, including Taylor’s, began to demonstrate that stress isn't just about self-defense—it's also about protecting others. While the way this manifest may differ between men and women, both sexes share an instinct to care for others during stressful times. Stress can encourage trust, generosity, and the willingness to put others' needs before our own.
Why does stress lead to acts of care?
From an evolutionary standpoint, the tend-and-befriend response helps us protect our offspring. Imagine a mother lion safeguarding her cubs or a father rescuing his child from a dangerous situation. These protective instincts ensure that, even at great personal risk, we can act to safeguard those we care about.
To help us protect our loved ones, the tend-and-befriend response counteracts our natural instinct to avoid harm. It equips us with the courage to act and the confidence that our efforts can make a difference. If we were paralyzed by fear or believed our actions wouldn't help, we would be less likely to step in. At its core, this response is designed to reduce fear and increase hope.
The key to understanding how this works lies in the brain's response during stress. Here's how the systems involved contribute to courage and connection:
- Social Caregiving System (Oxytocin):
As oxytocin is associated with trust, sexual arousal and relationship building, it's sometimes referred to as the “love hormone” or “cuddle chemical.” Oxytocin levels also increase when you're hugging someone and when you're experiencing an orgasm. When this system is activated, it promotes empathy, trust, and connection, while also reducing fear. This boosts courage by helping us feel more connected to others.
- Reward System (Dopamine):
Dopamine is often referred to as the "feel-good" hormone because it is a neurotransmitter in the brain that is primarily associated with feelings of pleasure, satisfaction, and motivation, essentially giving you a "reward" when you experience something enjoyable like eating good food, achieving a goal, or having sex; making it a key part of the brain's reward system.
This system motivates us by releasing dopamine, which dampens fear and enhances our drive to take meaningful action. Dopamine helps ensure we don’t freeze under pressure and remain hopeful about our ability to make a difference.
- Attunement System (Serotonin):
Serotonin is a hormone and neurotransmitter that helps regulate mood, sleep, appetite, and other bodily functions. It's also involved in blood clotting and wound healing. This system enhances perception, intuition, and self-control. It helps us understand the situation better and respond in ways that have the most positive impact, making us both brave and smart.
While the tend-and-befriend response evolved to help us protect those close to us, its benefits extend beyond that. When we are in a state of courage and connection, we can face any challenge. The most important part is that helping others triggers this response, creating a biological basis for hope and bravery.
Whether overwhelmed by our own stress or the suffering of others, finding hope comes through connection, not isolation. The benefits of a tend-and-befriend approach go beyond aiding loved ones. In situations where you feel powerless, supporting others can sustain motivation and optimism.
The tend-and-befriend theory doesn’t suggest that stress always leads to caring—it can certainly provoke anger and defensiveness. However, it does highlight that stress often triggers a desire to care for others, which in turn activates brain systems that foster courage and hope.
Seeing stress as an opportunity isn’t about deciding if it’s entirely good or bad; it’s about recognizing how embracing the positive aspects of stress—and your own potential—can help you face life’s challenges. Tending and befriending is one of the best ways to transform stress into a source of courage and connection.
At Giving Hope Counselling Services, our experts help you navigate stress with confidence. Stress doesn’t have to overwhelm you—it can become a catalyst for deeper connection, resilience, and hope. Our compassionate therapists will equip you with tools to harness stress as a source of courage, strengthening your relationships and emotional well-being. Let us help you turn stress into an opportunity for growth and connection. Book a session today and take the first step toward a healthier, more fulfilling life!
Call/WhatsApp us at +254721240462 or +254733932470 to make a booking.
Peter Mugi Kuruga
Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist
References
McGonigal K., (2015), The Upside of Stress: Why Stress is Good for You, and how to Get Good at it, Penguin Random House.
