WHAT TO DO IF UNHAPPY IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

It can be hard to acknowledge—even to yourself—when you’re unhappy in your relationship. This unhappiness may show up as frequent arguments, increasing emotional distance, or simply a persistent gut feeling that something isn’t right. According to Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University, couples often remain in such relationships because they cling to the hope of rekindling what they once had, or they attempt to change one another through criticism and fault-finding.

*Reasons You May Feel Unhappy in a Relationship*

Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, notes several common causes of relationship dissatisfaction:

*Clinging to the past: * Many people feel stuck in unhappy relationships because they keep reminiscing about the “good old days” when life felt easier and less stressful. Instead of focusing on resolving present challenges, they hold on to these memories, which prevents meaningful progress.

*Trying to change your partner: * A major source of unhappiness is the attempt to mold one another into someone different. This often leaves the other person feeling scrutinized, as though they must constantly defend their choices and actions.

*Conflicting values and beliefs: * Couples who don’t share similar core beliefs may manage early on, but over time, differences in how they see and engage with the world can create mounting friction.

*Feeling restricted: * Some partners begin to feel that their relationship limits their personal growth. They may feel forced to choose between staying in the relationship and pursuing their own ambitions.

Effects of Being Unhappy in a Relationship

According to Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, ongoing unhappiness in a relationship can affect both partners in multiple damaging ways:

• Emotional strain: Prolonged dissatisfaction often leads to feelings of depression, frustration, irritability, and exhaustion, overshadowing moments of joy.
• Increased conflict: Partners may begin to interact with contempt, criticism, and defensiveness. Instead of feeling safe in the relationship, they brace themselves for tension, which can escalate into emotional or even physical confrontations, affecting their ability to function in other aspects of life.
• Withdrawal and disconnection: As tension grows, one or both partners may stop putting effort into improving the relationship, seeing the other more as an opponent than an ally. This withdrawal further erodes emotional and physical intimacy.
• Frustration and unmet expectations: Many cling to an idealized version of what the relationship “should” be, distorting reality and fueling ongoing disappointment.
• Negative spillover: The relationship can begin to feel like a burden, draining energy and affecting work performance, friendships, and other commitments.
• Shifting priorities: Partners may intentionally spend less time with each other, turning instead to hobbies, friends, or other areas of interest for fulfillment.
• Loss of intimacy: Emotional and physical closeness is often neglected, deepening the divide between partners.
• Communication breakdown: Without healthy dialogue, problems remain unresolved, and the couple may start living separate, parallel lives.
• Seeking fulfillment elsewhere: Needs once met within the relationship may now be sought from external people or activities.

Romanoff notes that if couples in such relationships were to evaluate the balance of costs and benefits, they would likely find themselves at a loss.

Ways to Improve an Unhappy Relationship

Sabrina Romanoff, PsyD, suggests several strategies for turning around a struggling relationship:

• Pinpoint the problems: Start by clearly identifying what isn’t working and decide whether these issues are deal-breakers.
• Assess if it’s worth saving: Honestly evaluate whether you’re willing to invest the time and effort to rebuild the relationship. This can be especially challenging if you’ve already invested years and hope to return to better times.
• Practice open, vulnerable communication: Move away from criticism and blame, and instead share your concerns with honesty and vulnerability. Acknowledge how both of you contribute to the current state of the relationship, and express gratitude often—research shows it encourages more open discussions about challenges.
• Work as a team on solutions: Approach problems with a solution-focused mindset, seeing you and your partner as allies against the issue rather than opponents.
• Consider time apart if needed: If improvements aren’t happening, taking space can offer clarity and perspective. Time apart allows for personal growth, helps you understand what you truly want, and gives you the freedom to choose your next steps—whether that means staying together or moving on.

Is It Normal to Feel Unhappy in a Relationship?

It’s natural to experience periods of unhappiness in a relationship from time to time. Every relationship goes through ups and downs, so moments of lower satisfaction or increased conflict are to be expected. However, if unhappiness becomes constant or causes significant distress, it’s important to identify the underlying issues, work on resolving them, and, if necessary, reassess the future of the relationship.

How to Know When It’s Time to Leave a Relationship

If your partner refuses to put effort into addressing your concerns or improving the relationship, it might be a sign that it’s time to walk away. Sometimes, you may simply realize that the relationship is no longer working for you—when that happens, allow yourself the freedom to end it and move forward.

In the end, you’ll need to determine if the relationship is worth preserving. Spending some time apart can give both you and your partner the clarity and perspective needed to make that decision.

Peter Mugi Kuruga

Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist

Court Annexed Mediator

 

References

Lambert NM, Fincham FD, (2011). Expressing gratitude to a partner leads to more relationship maintenance behavior. Emotion. 2011;11(1):52-60. doi:10.1037/a0021557

Kiecolt-Glaser JK, Wilson SJ, (2017). Lovesick: How Couples' Relationships Influence Health. Annu Rev Clin Psychol.; 13:421-443. doi:10.1146/annurev-clinpsy-032816-045111