WAYS FOR FIXING UNKIND BEHAVIOR IN OUR CHILDREN

Learning kindness and compassion is a journey that comes with its fair share of challenges. When children display unkind behavior, it’s important to guide them gently and intentionally toward better choices. “The word ‘discipline’ actually originates from the Latin term for ‘instruction,’” explains Thomas Lickona, PhD, a developmental psychologist and author of How to Raise Kind Kids. “In character-based parenting, discipline serves as a way to build positive habits like kindness and respect.” To truly make a lasting impact, parents need a well-rounded approach—something more thoughtful than just the usual time-outs or lectures. Like any habit, developing kindness requires consistency and plenty of practice. Ingela Ratledge in an article on parenting, lists these seven effective strategies for helping children grow in kindness and address unkind actions:

1.  Establish Clear Expectations

Rather than just setting rules, think of it as shaping a family mission where kindness is a core, non-negotiable value. "Talk about what your family stands for," suggests Michele Borba, EdD, author of “Unselfie: Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World”. You might even come up with a fun family motto like, "We're the Caring Mugi’s!" to make it memorable and engaging for kids. Give specific examples so your children understand what kindness looks like in action. For example, if they’ve been arguing a lot, you could sit down with them and explain that listening respectfully to one another is a simple but important way to show kindness—and that it’s something the whole family will focus on improving.

Here are a few examples of family expectations:

- We don’t use hurtful words or call each other names. 

- We use polite words like “please” and “thank you.” 

- We don’t take out our bad moods on others.

Kindness Comes First

About 73% of parents say they value kindness over academic achievement. Let your family values reflect that same belief—showing your children that being kind is just as important as being smart.

2. Reinforce Your Family's Core Values

 

Find natural moments to talk about your family’s values by highlighting examples from everyday life, books, movies, or real situations. For instance, if a character in a show is unkind to another, pause and talk about why that behavior isn’t okay. Your kids might not always love these interruptions, but rest assured—they’re listening. It’s also important to lead by example. If you promote kindness but lose your cool in traffic or lash out at others, your kids are likely to mirror your actions more than your words.

When your children show kindness, be sure to acknowledge it. A simple gesture like a high-five, a hug, or a quick word of encouragement can go a long way. Let them know specifically what they did that made you proud. Research shows that praising effort over results helps kids stay motivated. As Dr. Michelle Borba puts it, tell them, “You are a kind person, and that behavior wasn’t kind.” Over time, kids tend to act in alignment with how they see themselves.

3. Address Unkind Behavior Promptly

Once your family values are clearly established, you’re better equipped to respond when your child steps out of line. If your child mistreats a sibling, a friend, or even a pet, it’s important to step in right away and address the behavior clearly and calmly. Avoid harsh words or reactions—these can be damaging and aren’t effective for teaching better behavior. Dr. Michele Borba advises using a firm but composed tone to explain what went wrong. For example, you might say, “That wasn’t kind. You pulled your friend’s hair. How do you think that made them feel? How would you feel if someone did that to you?” This helps children reflect on their actions and begin to build empathy.

4. Appeal to Their Sense of Empathy

As children grow, their unkind behaviors often shift from physical actions to hurtful words. But the best approach remains the same—help them understand the impact of their actions. “Most kids aren’t trying to be hurtful,” explains J. Kiley Hamlin, PhD, a psychology professor at the University of British Columbia. “When they realize how their behavior affects someone else, the emotional cost often outweighs any personal gain.” To encourage empathy, it's essential to model it yourself. Be intentional with your words and how you speak about others. It might be tempting to vent about another driver or make a critical comment about a public figure, but remember—kids are always listening. The way you speak teaches them how to speak.

Lead by Example

Studies show that even toddlers as young as 16 months are more likely to engage in helpful, kind behavior when they see adults treating others with kindness. Your actions set the tone—kindness starts with you.

5. Teach Them to Make Things Right

Acknowledging a mistake is only part of the process—kids also need to learn how to repair the damage they’ve caused. “When children do something wrong, they should also do something to make up for it,” says Dr. Thomas Lickona. Here are a few ways to guide them in making amends:

- Start with a sincere apology: Encourage your child to say sorry and follow it up with, “What can I do to make it better?” 

- Offer meaningful reparations: They might write an apology note, replace a broken item with their allowance, or do something thoughtful to show they care. 

- Practice a do-over: In the moment—or during a role-play later—invite them to try again using kinder words or actions. You could say, “Can you try that again in a more respectful, caring way?”

These steps not only teach accountability but also help children build stronger relationships through empathy and responsibility.

6. Apply Consequences Thoughtfully

Sometimes, depending on the severity of the behavior, consequences are necessary to reinforce that unkind actions won’t be tolerated. The key is to make those consequences meaningful and appropriate.

- Keep consequences relevant: Instead of randomly taking away something your child values—like screen time or dessert—choose a consequence that relates directly to the behavior. For example, if they pushed a sibling off a bike, it makes more sense to temporarily take away their own biking privileges than to ban video games. Irrelevant punishments often feel unfair and ineffective.

- Match the consequence to the behavior: The response should be balanced and reasonable. “Consequences should align in both type and intensity with the misbehavior,” says Dr. Hamlin. Overly harsh or unrelated punishments can lead to resentment and undermine the lesson.

- Stay calm and collected: When emotions are high, it’s okay for parents to pause and take a breath before responding. Handing out consequences while angry can send the wrong message—that punishment is about your frustration rather than a thoughtful correction. Avoid exaggerated threats you might not follow through on, like banning dessert forever or canceling screen time for a week.

Responding with calm, clear-headed discipline teaches kids that consequences are part of learning—not punishment driven by anger.

7. Remind Them of Who They Are

Even when your child makes mistakes, continue affirming their goodness and capacity for kindness. Positive reinforcement has a lasting impact. As Dr. Borba puts it, “Say, ‘You are a kind person, and that wasn’t kind.” Over time, children tend to live up to the way they see themselves. Remember, the words we speak to children often become the voice they carry within. Use every opportunity to remind them that they are thoughtful, caring individuals—and let them know you see and value their efforts to be kind. Those encouraging words help shape their identity and guide their future choices.

At Giving Hope Counselling Services, our expert family therapists are here to support you in raising well-behaved, kind, and morally grounded children. Using proven, compassionate approaches, we’ll help you set clear expectations, reinforce positive values, and guide your child in learning empathy, accountability, and respect. From addressing misbehavior calmly to teaching kids how to make amends and recognize their own goodness, our team partners with you to build strong family foundations rooted in character, connection, and lasting emotional growth. Let us walk with you on the journey of nurturing the next generation with love and wisdom.

Call/WhatsApp us at +254721240462 or +254733932470 or email us at info@givinghope.co.ke to book a counselling session. Also check the blog on our website for more articles on family, relationships and marriages.

Peter Mugi Kuruga

Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist

 

References

Borba M. (2016). UnSelfie, Why Empathetic Kids Succeed in Our All-About-Me World. Touchstone.

Hamlin, J. K. (2013). Moral judgment and action in preverbal infants and toddlers: Evidence for an innate moral core. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 22(3), 186-193.

Lickona T., (2018).   How to Raise Kind Kids and Get Respect, Gratitude, and a Happier Family in the Bargain. Penguin Publishing Group.