Do you encourage honesty when you argue with your spouse? Truly. Unfortunately, we don’t always make it “safe” for our spouse to tell us the truth, and we often don’t even realize it. The truth is: “When presented with the truth about something that has been concealed, many spouses think only of punishment. They cry, scream, hit, and threaten. All these things do is persuade the lying partner to cover his or her crimes more carefully in the future.” — Dr. Willard Harley This doesn’t justify lying, but it certainly doesn’t encourage the other spouse to tell the truth. We all need to be honest about our behavior, but if we want our spouse to be truthful, we must create a safe environment for them to do so. Dr. Willard Harley writes: If you truly want honesty, don’t make your spouse miserable when he or she tells you the truth. That simply encourages dishonesty the next time. Instead, talk about how important honesty is to you. Discuss what you can both do to make your marriage a safe place to be open and honest. The way to encourage each other to be truthful is to minimize the negative consequences of truthful revelations. Instead of punishing your spouse when a shocking truth is revealed, try to reward their honesty. I have had couples learn to say, “Thank you for being honest.” If they feel they need some time to process the new information, I encourage them to add, “Can I have ten minutes to think about this? Then we’ll get back together to talk about it?” Make Honesty Safe In some marriages, where anger prevails, it is not safe to be honest. In such situations, honesty runs the risk of severe consequences. Therefore, I suggest that couples separate until safety can be assured. Couples should not live together as long as one spouse persists in abusing the other. While dishonesty may prevent physical and emotional abuse in the short run, it can lead to even greater abuse when discovered. If the fear of abuse is preventing you from being honest, I suggest separation while the abusive spouse receives professional treatment. Once the risk of abuse is overcome, then honesty can flourish. Remember, honesty is never your enemy; it’s a friend that brings light to problems that often require creative solutions. If honesty is followed by safe and pleasant negotiation, it becomes a crucial first step toward improving compatibility and love for each other. (From the book Surviving an Affair, written by Dr. Willard F. Harley and Dr. Jennifer Harley Chalmers) If we want honesty and openness from our spouse, we have to welcome their honest communication. From there, we can work together. And that is the honest truth: openness and honesty go both ways. You don’t control what your spouse does or doesn’t do, and you are not responsible for their behavior; however, you are responsible for yours. Acknowledging this is a significant step toward a healthy direction. So, What Can We Do to Encourage Honesty in Our Marriages? This is a hard question to answer and also difficult to accomplish. But we know it’s possible because other couples have rebuilt their marriages upon this principle. The important thing is to be as approachable as you can to your partner. Yes, we understand that many spouses are dealing with abuse issues. If that is the case, you must approach marriage issues differently than the “average” spouse. For the rest of us, it’s essential to work on being as approachable as possible. That’s what marriage partnership is all about. Jesus is approachable, and we should strive to be too. Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott highlight this in their writings: Approachability Team Mindset: Remind yourself that you and your spouse are on the same team, sharing many goals, dreams, and visions for the future. Pray Together: Engage in prayer, both together and individually. Bless your spouse and pray for them. Acts of Kindness: Do good for your spouse without expecting anything in return. Encourage Communication: Let your spouse know they can come to you, and help them feel safe doing so. Listen Attentively: Don’t listen to respond, and avoid using their concerns against them. Practice Empathy: Try to understand your spouse’s perspective by taking a walk in their shoes. “Being approachable to your spouse is the secret to open, thriving communication. Approachability cultivates trust between the two of you and helps you both feel emotionally safe. It’s an incredibly important attribute in your marriage that will open the door to healthier, more effective communication, problem-solving, and conflict resolution.” (Drs. Les & Leslie Parrott, from their article, “Approachability: The Key to Emotional Safety in Marriage”)