I am too unhappy in this marriage to stay any longer, and I am sure this is not what God wants for me." "God doesn’t want me to remain unhappy for the rest of my life."
 

These are some of the statements we hear from spouses trying to justify leaving their marriages to start a new life with their new lovers because 'God wants me to be happy!'. This has become the mantra in today’s world that justifies a spouse leaving their partner. It looks like the vows they made to each other and to God (many times in the presence of witnesses) no longer need to be honoured so long as one spouse is “unhappy” in their marriage. However, the answer to whether God wants us to be happy is a yes or no. As far as marriage is concerned, we need to evaluate what their “happiness’ costs to society and particularly their families and friends on different levels.

 

(We are, however, not considering unfaithfulness or emotional and physical abuse issues here, as these are not acceptable. We are talking about leaving a marriage because we are not happy, and mostly because we have a new lover).

 

While the Bible generally holds a marriage as sacrosanct, it however allows divorce in a few cases such as adultery (Matthew 19:9) or abandonment (1 Corinthians 7:15) and also cases of abuse or chronic harm may make divorce necessary for a partner’s safety and healing.

 

If we go into a marriage believing it is meant for our happiness, we shall be disappointed. Another human being doesn’t have the capacity to bring such kind of happiness into our lives and they weren’t given such a role. Instead, marriages are not about us being happy for the rest of our lives but rather to become the best that we can be going forward in loving another imperfect human being despite their flaws. When happiness is, therefore, the key expectation of your marriage, you most likely will end up discouraged and disappointed. The less you consider your partner as your saviour but rather your companion during this journey of life, the more likely you are to attain healing and growth. This will help you generate realistic expectations for your marriage, leading to more stability, peace and happiness.

 

If you are considering leaving your spouse for someone else, you are weighing issues of what God wants and what will make you happy. It's natural to assume that God, as a Father, wants you to be happy since you are his child, but when your happiness gets in the way of someone else’s happiness, what then? Are you the only one entitled to happiness, or is your happiness of more importance to that of others?

 

When leaving, you may think that eventually, everybody will be happier that you left the marriage, but are you all-knowing, and can you be sure? In many cases, when one spouse leaves, the other one is devastated emotionally and psychologically and particularly if children are involved, they will be devastated as they will assume that their Dad or Mum does not love them and that was the reason he or she left. The kids’ lives are never the same again as they have to start moving between homes and sometimes even change schools, and their psychological and emotional health is severely disrupted, leading to behavioural abnormalities in their childhood and even in their adult lives. We also have many other grieving family members and even friends who feel hurt by the breakup of any marriage.

 

Is it God’s will then that so many people be put to grief just so that these selfish lovers are happy? This definitely would not meet God's approval as their happiness is at the expense of their families and others, which goes against Godly principles. Happiness cannot be the ultimate goal of life, and at times, we need to be unhappy for the greater good and, particularly, the greater good for many. While God wants you to be happy, it shouldn’t be in place of the greater good that God wants to happen. God desires the development of our character more than our comfort. He wants us to live out his Godly values instead of our temporary satisfaction and happiness. The Bible even tells us that “The eyes of man are never satisfied.” (Proverbs 27:20). This is very true, and there will always be people who look more beautiful or handsome than our spouses, but we made a commitment to our spouses (some in front of witnesses) and we must honour them.

 

While God truly cares for our well-being, the biblical concept of happiness has more to do with holiness, growth and righteousness rather than temporary emotions. Happiness is found in living as per God's will, which provides a deep sense of purpose, joy, and peace, not just emotional pleasure. In marriage, this calls for working through difficulties, engaging in hard work of love, sacrifice and forgiveness and not just seeking an easy way out. The author Gary Thomas in his book “Sacred Marriage” notes that marriage isn’t just about making us happy but to also making us holy as it shapes our character. Further, that marriage is not merely a contract but rather a covenant. If marriages were purely about our happiness, then we could leave anytime we were unhappy. However, since marriage has been designed as a refining process, then difficulties give us growth opportunities.

 

Marriages are, therefore, relationships that call for commitment, selflessness, and love, and they portray Christ’s love for his church. The Bible in Ephesians 5:25-33 calls for husbands to love their wives just like Christ loved his church, with unconditional and sacrificial love. This will definitely not always feel “happy”, but it may be more fulfilling and transformative in the long run.

 

We, therefore, need to appreciate that while we seek happiness, it looks justifiable for many reasons, but it’s not always the best thing we can do. We must never forget that we are not an island by ourselves, and our actions sometimes affect others for generations. God knows this and, therefore, hates divorce because of the serious damage it causes (Malachi 2:16). It’s not that we are against being happy, but rather we believe that while God wants us to be happy, we must never overcome the need to do the right thing. The Bible says in Colossians 3:17: ‘Whatever you do in word or deed, do for the glory of God.‘ God made man in his own image, and through marriage, spouses are to reflect his character, and so are their children till the end of time.

 

All marriages experience unhappiness, frustration, disappointment, conflict and many difficulties, yet such challenges don’t necessarily mean a marriage is failing and these may actually be opportunities to deepen intimacy, practice forgiveness and address any issues. Everyone may still experience joy in their marriages if they focus on God’s purposes and his glory and not just individual happiness. A divorce may be a quick fix, but it fails to appreciate the deeper healing that can result from working through these challenges together.

 

We, however, note that there are many types of joy. The first one is to be emotionally well and successful, with the second being to know that you are doing the right thing that God would have you do. While the first one gives you a temporary fix, leaving behind any hard stuff so as to pursue your individual happiness while breaking others' hearts in the process, the second one will lead you to the Lord, saying, “Well done, good and faithful servant! You have been faithful in what was handed to you.”

 

It's God's desire that we experience peace, joy and fulfilment in our marriages, but this must have a foundation of love, commitment and mutual service to each other rather than just seeking individual happiness as the primary goal. Marriage calls for mutual growth, faithfulness and transformation. The difficult seasons should not necessarily justify divorce but rather become catalysts for growth. When unhappy in your marriage, always seek guidance and counselling from a Marriage and Family therapist, as well as prayer before concluding that divorce is the solution.

 

At “Giving Hope Counselling Services”, we understand that some marriages face challenges so deep that they feel beyond repair. Whether you're dealing with persistent conflicts, communication breakdowns, or even contemplating divorce, our team of skilled marriage therapists is here to help. We specialize in guiding couples through difficult conversations and helping them negotiate their way toward healing and resolution. Our goal is to provide the support and tools necessary to rebuild trust and rekindle love, offering a path to save your marriage. And if the relationship cannot be saved, we can help you part amicably, with mutual understanding and respect. No matter where your relationship stands, you don’t have to face these challenges alone. Let us help you take the first steps toward a healthier future—together or apart.

 

 

Reference

Thomas, G. L. (2011). Sacred marriage: what if God designed marriage to make us holy more than to make us happy?. Zondervan.