WAYS TO HELP YOUR PARTNER UNDERSTAND YOUR FEELINGS Decades of research on straight, married couples show that husbands are stressed by their wives' negative emotions. Heart rates rise, adrenaline surges, and fight-or-flight mode takes over. This type of reaction was helpful long ago when humans were hunters, but it's not an ideal scenario in relationships. When men react to their partner's distress as a moment of emotional survival, women end up feeling alone and unsupported. He says, "If you'd calm down, I'd talk to you," and she says, "If you'd talk to me, I would calm down." If you've experienced this disconnect, consider these strategies you can each use to change it. 1. Lead With Vulnerability When you want to feel heard, sharing a vulnerable emotion like sadness is much more effective than going on the attack. One should express their frustrations without focusing on complaints and instead ask for support rather than voicing disappointment in their partner. 2. Listen for Emotional Needs and Respond Tune in to your partner's emotions to better understand each other—and what might be driving their upset feelings. Simply acknowledging your partner's struggles can begin to bridge the gap between you. 3. Make Room for Each Other’s Needs Sometimes, when we need help, we can get tunnel vision and momentarily forget our partner's perspective. If your partner has been at work all day and tries to relax when they get home, they're not your worst enemy. They're a tired person who is trying to fit in a bit of self-care. But if you're feeling stretched to your limit, it's easy to jump to the conclusion that they're selfish or clueless, rather than see that they're struggling, too. Instead, try to think about what changes you could make in your busy lives so that both of you can get more of your needs met. Really talking to each other about what works for you and what doesn't really matters, too. Aim to have these conversations when you're both calm rather than when you're feeling stressed. That way, you can focus on hearing each other and collaborating on solutions. 4. Keep Tweaking the Division of Labor "Who does what" is one of the most persistent sources of conflict among couples. Partners who feel the labour split is fair have higher levels of trust and warmth, and mothers often feel most angry when they believe the family burdens aren't shared equally. The more helpful approach is to build on each of their strengths, so that the partners help each other by each doing what they are good at in the home. Remember That You’re a Team Even when you can't meet each other's needs or aren't communicating well, your partner is still your friend. It's natural to get frustrated when they're misreading your signals, but you both need to step up and engage. You both need to express feelings without blowing up or shutting down. That effort will be much more successful if you keep in mind that deep down, both of you have good intentions and want each other to be happy. Whether you find the thought of seeing a therapist daunting or look forward to your first meeting with excitement and intrigue, you should feel proud that you are considering taking steps to improve your life and mental health. It might feel like defeat, but deciding to get help with your mental health issues is not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of strength, resilience, and courage. Call/WhatsApp us on 0721240462 or 0733932470 to book a counselling session or make a booking on our website www.givinghope.co.ke. Peter Mugi Kuruga Counselling Psychologist/Marriage and Family Therapist